Hint, Hint...

Okay, I'll admit it. I'm not very helpful when it comes cleaning toilets or doing dishes. I just don't have it in me. Being the only kid who did dishes for something like six years will do that--hold you comments Melissa, it's true. 

But finding this note taped to the dishwasher when I woke up, was a little much.

Update: So before the Scrapbook Nazi gets too upset, I have to admit, she didn't actually tape it to the dishwasher. But she thinks it every time I put dishes on the counter. Can't remember where I found the image...

Haiku

A few months ago I got the idea that it might be fun to write a new haiku every day. I think the inspiration came from reading one of James Taranto's Bye-kus (a haiku celebrating the departure of candidates from the Presidential race). You can see some samples here. But I was too busy to start...

Apparently I'm not the only one who had this thought. One of my coworkers began blogging a new haiku almost every day a couple of months ago. You can read them here (May 20 is about me). Don't miss April 20, which apparently is based on a true story.

So today I'm unveiling my new collection of haiku--a new one every day, maybe more on some days. You can read them here. Actually, it's not much of a collection, just one about that coworker. More to follow (so add the feed to your readers).

And in case you don't like my haiku, I highly recommend these, inspired by David Hasslehoff.

Stan is the Man.

As the scrapbook nazi noted on her blog, we recently saw Iron Man. Very cool show. And it features the best Stan Lee cameo yet. To celebrate, here's a clip of previous appearances, not including his latest..

* In case you aren't a superhero nerd (like me), Stan Lee is the guy who invented most of the characters in the Marvel universe, including SpiderMan, the Fantastic Four, and the Avengers.

I Will Never Win I Never

There's a game I've played at a couple of parties called "I Never." The point of the game, for those who haven't played before, is to win. You do this by not having done all the interesting (or mundane) things that the other players have done. Like not being in car wrecks. Or not attending grad school. Or not cleaning up vomit.

Here's how it works. You get ten points. And everyone takes turns saying something they've never done. If you've done it, you lose a point. Lose all ten points and you lose the game. The winner is the last person with points. Saying "I've never taken the winning shot in an NBA game" doesn't do much, unless you're playing with the San Antonio Spurs, but saying "I've never fallen asleep at church" will take away a point from just about everyone. 

Of course, it has to be true.

In the past, I've had a few good ones. I've never owned a cat (generally good for taking a point away from about 40% of the group). I've never downhill skiied. I've never read a Harry Potter book (this one takes a point from almost everyone). I've never seen Titantic. And the killer I Never, guaranteed to take away a point from every red-blooded American: I've never been inside a Costco. 

Until last week.

I went to Costco for the first time to get a card so I can buy cheap gas. And to get it, I had to go inside. So, I've lost my best I Never. And now I will never win I never.

I blame the morons who won't let us drill for cheap oil in ANWR.

Wait a minute, I Never is a drinking game? Man have I been doing it wrong.

Sleestaks!

When I was a kid, the only "monster" I remember being really afraid of was the Sleestak. The nastiest of the bad guys in The Land of the Lost. Worse than Grumpy the T-Rex. I think it was the hissing. And the eyes. And the cross bows.

It won't be long before we can see the Sleestaks again in a new movie remake of Sunday morning's best television show. News report here. Too bad the movie stars Will Ferrell, who will undoubtedly ruin this show like just about every other movie he's been in. Or maybe the Sleestaks will get him.

If the Croft brothers are selling off the movie rights to all their shows we'll soon be able to watch Sygmond and the Seamonsters and H. R. Pufnstuf on the big screen too. Sweet!

No Reason, Except Um, He's a Bear

Not to make light of what was undoubtedly a horrible tragedy, but this is just silly. Last week a bear named Rocky killed a trainer in California. It's the same bear that wrestled with Will Ferrell in the movie, Semi-Pro. Too bad the bear didn't eat Ferrell. The news report from AP had this headline, "Bear Gave Off No Reason for Concern Before Trainer's Death."

No reason, except maybe that bears are carnivores and people are made out of meat. But maybe the reporter meant no other reason.

Don't miss the last line of the article: "they're not cold-blooded killers." Nope they're definitely not that. They're hot-blooded killers.

The proof is here and here and here.

My New Diet

Okay, from the photo I posted on Sunday, it's obvious I need to go on a diet. But the whole, low calorie, lots of exercise thing is getting old. And it doesn't last forever, so I'm thinking of a new approach.

Like this one.

Losing more than 100 pounds in eight months while eating 2-3000 calories a day. That's my kind of diet. Oh, and all the television you can watch until lights out. Just don't drop the soap in the shower. 

My Favorite Photo from Our Vacation

Okay, some people say that you shouldn't post this kind of personal stuff on the web because future potential employers will find it and that job offer will disappear faster than warm brownies at Family Home Evening, but here goes...

Here's my favorite photo from our vacation. As you can see, I don't photograph well. The Scrapbook Nazi took it in our hotel room, just a few minutes before I took the kids swimming. In case you can't see my six-pack, I've outlined each ab in red.

Enjoy...

Things I Learned on My Trip to California

By now everyone knows we spent a few days enjoying blue skies and heat stroke last week. For more details, read this. But this vacation was more than a few days off, it was a learning experience. Since most of you weren't able to join us, I thought I would share a few of the things I learned this past week. (Full disclosure: some of these things I already knew, but they were reconfirmed in a big way.)

1. Parowan was founded in 1851.

2. Most children can live for days on a diet of nothing more than pop tarts, french fries, and funnel cakes without any apparent ill effects.

3. There are two types of women in the world--those who should wear thongs, and those who shouldn't. If you aren't employed holding a brief case for Howie Mandell, you are likely in the second group. Note to the woman with the thong pulled halfway up her back without any apparent discomfort, sitting in front of me during the Seamore and Clyde Save the Day show at Seaworld: you are definitely in the second group.

4. My wife has no interest in being photographed in front of the world's largest thermometer. I know, I wouldn't have believed it myself, if I hadn't been there.

5. It is definitely a small world--I ran into two different classmates from school and saw two people I went to high-school with at the happiest place on earth.

6. Disneyland is much better when Small World is closed for renovations. Much better.

7. Freezing cold water is not enough to keep fully clothed boys out of the ocean.

8. The tops of your feet burn more easily than any other part of the body (actually, I haven't tested this hypothesis on every part of the body, but feet definitely rank in the top three).

9.  My mental age is "in my 50s" which is probably lower than my physical age at the moment. Thanks Brain Age.

10. Hotel showers generally rock. Hotel mattresses generally suck.

The Best Part of Coming Home

The best part of coming home from vacation is the stack of newspapers that has collected over the past nine days. Oh sure, I read the USATodays at the hotel, but it's not the same. It only took 4.5 hours to get through the local papers. I polished off another three of The Wall Street Journals while watching tonight's Jazz game. Only four more issues to go. 

And while the pages of sports, opinion, and news provide a much needed data fix, the very best part of catching up on the old papers was getting to read two episodes of Prince Valiant in a single week. Sweet! 

I can already hear Melissa saying, "Oh my Ralph."