U.S. Olympic Snowboard Committee Announces Radical New Advance in Equipment

Vancouver, CA: Just hours after a historic win by American Snowboarder Shawn White in the half pipe competition, executives from the U.S. Olympic Snowboard Committee announced they would be adding a new piece of equipment to the official uniform next year. The new equipment is still in testing, but is code named “the belt” and is designed to help hold up the snowboarder’s pants.

Greg Dacyshyn, Senior Vice President of Creative at Burton, the uniform sponsor, who was present for the announcement, said, “We’ve had really good results from our initial tests and will be testing ‘the belt’ with a few select riders in competitions in the coming months.” He expected wider adoption after the initial test phase.

The new equipment is designed to fit around the athlete’s waist and support his trousers. It leverages the performance benefits of GORE-TEX® fabric, the official fabric of the 2010 U.S. Snowboarding Team’s Olympic outerwear. One of the members of the women’s team was actually seen sporting “the belt” in the Olympic competition this year.

The athletes appeared enthusiastic about this revolutionary advance in equipment. Scott Lago, who won the Bronze medal with a stunning performance of the double cork, modeled the new equipment and noted, “I was skeptical at first. I mean, my dad wears one... it seemed so useless. But after I tested it, I noticed less snow in my ass when I would fall.” Seth Wescott, winner of the gold medal in the Snowboard Cross competition agreed. “It helps keep my pants right at mid-thigh height when I ride. No more pulling my pants up from my knees on a particularly gnarly crash.”

When asked what’s next for the equipment engineering team, officials were notably secretive, but one engineer let slip that the team was studying the use of a new item code named “suspenders,” saying someone got the idea from watching old Mork And Mindy reruns. The team is thinking the rainbow pattern might go really well with the plaid coats unveiled just before competition this year. He continued, “The result will be a progressive and fresh look that challenges the former conservatism of the Olympics.”

This is one model of the revolutionary new equipment called “The Belt” under consideration for use by the U.S. Olympic Snowboard Team.

Finally A Good Reason To Dislike the Chinese

I've recently been accused by the scrapbook nazi of being a cynic when it comes to the Olympics. I don't believe the International Olympic Committee lives up to the high standards they espouse. And that makes all the high-minded talk a little hypocritical in my book. (See 1972 US Men's Basketball team for example).

And, just in time to prove my point, we have a new reason to dislike the Chinese. Forget Tianamen Square. And Tibet. And the whole friends-with-North-Korea thing. This is serious.

Apparently the Chinese Women's Gymnastic Team isn't made up of women at all. They're little girls--too young to compete in the Olympics. One of them is so young she's still losing her baby teeth. You can read the story here.

Perhaps the Chinese should go back and read the Olympic Creed: "The most important thing in the Olympic Games is not to win but to take part, just as the most important thing in life is not the triumph but the struggle. The essential thing is not to have conquered but to have fought well." Unless, of course, nationalistic (or is it communistic?) pride and progaganda are on the line.

Or we can just call the Olympics for what they are: two weeks of commercialized sports event where the host, Olympic committees, and sponsors use (mostly) amateur athletes to make gobs of money. Sounds like the international version of the NCAA.